“Oh, why me!? Why nobody loves me? What is wrong with me?” I was unstoppably sobbing into a pillow for the X-th time.
The pain of loneliness overran my body, while my mind was drowning in gloomy thoughts. Normally, I was OK with being single. I got used to it. That’s how it was. That’s who I was. Nina = single. Always. I accepted it.
But on some special days (usually two or three days before a full moon) I experienced a surge of emotions. I was felling sad, angry and resentful at the same time. On such occasions I questioned my self-worth. I questioned other peoples’ tastes as well, and even the meaning of life. The burden of feelings was too heavy for me, and I broke down into pieces.
“Aaaaaa!” I grabbed the pillow and threw it into the wall, missing an art work just by a hair. “When will I meet my life partner?”
In those days I turned to wise women in my life to seek answers and compassion. What did I get?
A laid-back “when you are ready.”
When I’m ready!? Is that a joke? There is no other answer that could make me as furious as this one. What does that even mean? I was ready right then. How didn’t they see that? Didn’t they listen to me? I just said I wanted a relationship!
We say we are open to having a loving relationship; however what we are actually doing is being open to wanting a loving relationship instead of having it. @sedonamethod Click To Tweet
The latter takes less work…
Looking back, I can confirm I was not ready for a meaningful, loving relationship. I simply wasn’t no matter what I was putting forth. I was far too selfish and self-absorbed to be able to make compromises. And compromises are prerequisite of every relationship, let alone for the loving one.
My priorities were travelling freely whenever I wanted wherever I wanted. Commitment scared me. I was terrified of having children. I was preoccupied with my hobbies, and I pursued postgraduate studies.
And another thing. No suitor fully met my expectations. They were not so high, but still I quickly got irritated or bored with potential candidates.
To cut a long story short, being single was much more appealing to me than being in a relationship. It was much more convenient. I didn’t admit it to myself, though. Maybe I didn’t even realize it.
On my journey to a loving, healthy relationship I have learnt that you become truly ready for one, when:
- other people’s needs are just as important to you as your own;
- you are willing to compromise;
- you are willing to take second place to other people’s demands for a certain period of time;
- you are ready to give up a part of your freedom (but at the same time you don’t subordinate your life to other person).
Additionally, you can expect to meet your life partner, when:
- you are content with who you are just as you are;
- you accept other people just as they are, and
- you don’t want to change them.
Becoming ready doesn’t happen by itself, though. Oh, no! You won’t wake up one day and magically feel less selfish or egocentric. Your life partner won’t fall down from a clear blue sky either. You have to put in an effort to make necessary changes. A conscious effort to become a better person, a person you would want to be in a relationship with. When you grow to be that person, you are ready for the relationship of your dreams.
After a looong time I have finally became ready last year. Probably you will not believe me, but it is true – I have met a wonderful man on the same day I have decided that the right time has come. Yeah, it can happen that quickly when everything falls into place!
Now I pay attention to my partner’s needs and I’m willing to take compromise. Even so much that I’m prepared to leave my family and move across the world to live with him. I’m ready to put my future children’s needs before mine (even though I still won’t share my ice cream with them. Instead, I will buy them two if needed; my ice cream is not on the table!).
Every relationship demands giving away a little bit of your freedom, don’t you agree? You can’t do whatever you want whenever you want. You have to consult with your spouse, and now I’m doing it with a pleasure. Because I decided to do so.
I’m finally comfortable with being myself as well. How do I know that for sure? I believe we attract people who are our mirrors into our lives. In other words, the way we feel inside reflects in the people we meet. And I love what I see in my partner.