Should We Stay Friends After the Break Up?

As you might noticed I’ve added a new column to the site – Your Questions. You can ask me about your relationship struggles or dating dilemma and me and other readers will answer your question or offer you our insights.


Here is what Angele wrote to me:

Hello Nina,

I have been reading your blog from time to time and I have decided to email you with a question. I broke up with my boyfriend not that long ago – it was not a very nice break-up and I have this question now. 

What do you think, The problem is that if I will talk to him again, the first thing I wanna say is what an asshole he’s been so I am not sure if that is nice. Even though I really would like to yell at him and tell him he’s a dick for leaving me 🙂 And the second option I just find very depressing in general 🙂

So I would love to hear your thoughts on that.




Hello, Angele!

Thank you for reading my blog and for your question. In a way you’ve already answered it yourself.

You’re asking whether you should stay friends with your ex boyfriend, but at the same time you say you want to yell at him and tell him what an asshole he’s been and that he’s a dick for leaving you. That is not the way you treat your friends, is it?

Obviously it is too soon for you to be friends with him. The break up was hard and you didn’t heal from it yet. Give yourself time to process what happened and get over it. Don’t rush into something that evokes unpleasant feelings in you. Our job is to take care of ourselves, nobody else will.

Do what pleases you not what upsets you. Click To Tweet

If you want to tell him how much he hurt you write him a letter (not an email, a letter). That is a wonderful technique to let unpleasant emotions out of your way. Then you can choose to post the letter or not. It’s up to you.

Sometimes we have to let other people go, Angele. They were a part of our life, but our paths separated. There is nothing wrong with that. Actually, I’m a big proponent of letting go of toxic people. They don’t even have to be toxic. If you are not feeling good around them then it’s better to ditch them all together. That doesn’t mean you have to be happy happy around them all the time. No. But if they constantly evoke unpleasant feelings or memories in you, why would you want to hang out with them?

In time you two can become friends, but only if both of you get over past experiences and heartache.

I wish you all the best and keep in touch, Angele!


My beautiful readers, do you have any thoughts on Angele’s dillema? Share them with us in the comments below!



  1. It is something that is different for each relationship. Personally I’m not friends with any of my exes but that’s down to poor decision making in getting together with them in the first place!

  2. This is very motivating. I think for a while i didn’t know anything other than trying to stay friends with my exes. I left every relationship under the impression that I still owed them something whether it was a sorry or a bit of assistance in rough times. It’s taken me a long time to grow out of that.

    Thanks for sharing this, Nina!

  3. Great share! My perspective is “let’s be friends” only comes out of the mouth of the party that is totally disconnected emotionally. So if you both are there than great but if your not than pushing the “friendship” is a sure fail. Everyone needs to heal at their own pace and it’s totally ok to take your time. Be your authentic self do and act when the time is right for you. If you still want to yell and name call…the time is definitely not right.

  4. If the breakup ended on bad terms, then no, I don’t think a couple should be friends.
    I think it hinders the healing process.

  5. This really hit home for me. I tried to befriend my ex after the breakup but the fact that he could never feel for me the way I felt for him killed me. I just couldn’t stop wanting to be with him, so it didn’t work. I envy the people who CAN make it work, though.

  6. Great response! I think I would give the same. It’s obviously too soon! Having too many emotions! It’s great that part of her wants to be the bigger person and doesn’t want him to completely leave her life (I am the exact same way) but it doesn’t seem like she’s ready for the emotions something like that will give her!

  7. Love this article! You bring up some very valid points. I believe in making a “clean break” so that neither party will be tempted to try to rekindle the relationship…especially if it was toxic.

  8. While painful now, the pain will subside and understanding that a “clean break” is really the better way to go. Especially if the relationship was toxic as this one appears to have been. Why would you want to be friends with an asshole?

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