Are You Trapped in a Singles’ Loop of Despair?

“Singles’ what??”

Singles’ Loop of Despair. If you are single for quite some time now, chances are you are trapped in it. Consciously or unconsciously. But let me explain what the Singles’ Loop of Despair actually is.

 

The Singles’ Loop of Despair

The Singles’ Loop of Despair is a concept I came up with to describe what trap singles, that are single for some time can fall into. Based on my experience, observation and talking to other singles it is safe to say they usually do. You are probably in the loop too whether you know it or not.

“Yeah, yeah, what is it?” you snap impatiently.

Ok. Imagine an infinity loop. On the left end you have pressure, on the other end unpleasant emotions, and in the middle limiting beliefs. It looks like this:

singles-loop-of-despair

Pressure

As a person who is single for a long time and especially if you are over thirty I’m sure you experienced some sort of pressure because you are still single.

“When are you going to get serious?” your mom asks you every time you’re on the phone with her.

“You are just too picky,” your friend concludes when you meet her on a drink.

“Women over thirty are not marriage material,” society advertises.

I call it outer pressure. Do you experience it, too? What remarks are you getting?

I was lucky enough my family didn’t put much pressure on me. Maybe, because my mother gave birth to me when she was eighteen. Instead of pushing me into relationship I was constantly hearing “You have time for love, first finish school!” I took my time, all right!

But I remember an event where I experienced the outer pressure for being single. It was a friend’s child’s birthday party. My friend prepared a lavish party with several tables put together in her garden. Around tables there were benches put together as well.

I was first to arrive, since they are living 50 m from my house. I got to choose where to sit, so I sat in the middle of the bench close to the middle of tables. Like a queen! Other guests arrived soon after me. Friend’s daughter was so excited because of the presents and she ferociously tore the wrapping paper. It was funny to watch her, but when all guests were sitting I noticed no one sat down on my bench. Even though they were cramped on other benches no one sat beside me.

I was wondering what was going on. I even secretly smelled myself thinking I stank. But no, I was just out of the shower. I realized I was the only person at a party who was still single. I didn’t even bring a date. I was the only one without children, and the only one pursuing my postgraduate studies.

Soon I found myself in the corner playing with children. Adults were avoiding me like a plague.

 

But pressure can also come from within. I call it inner pressure. Here it is you who pressures yourself. Did you make any promises to yourself or set goals for the future as a child? For example, I swore I will have a child of my own in the year 2000. That way it would be easy for me to know the child’s age. Stupid, I agree but I was a kid, and childhood promises often don’t make any sense. Well, today is 2016 and still no little Nina’s running around.

Maybe you have big dreams and goals and you work hard to achieve them. Are you afraid having a boyfriend or a family would hinder your progress?

Do you realize now how you can put pressure on yourself?

“But Nina, goal setting supposed to be good!” you shriek with dismay.

It surely is when you build your goals on tangible facts and revise them now and then.

So, my lovely, are you pressuring yourself for being single? How?

 

Limiting beliefs

All this pressure leads you to form beliefs about yourself, others and world, or to reinforce those you already have. If you hear “You are too picky” many times, you start to believe you really are too picky.

If you say repeatedly to yourself there is no good men (or women) out there, guess what? You start to believe yourself and overlook them altogether.

View beliefs as subconscious programmes which take over you and put you on an autopilot. If beliefs are supportive, great! Keep doing what you are doing. But if they are not and they limit you in some way (ergo limiting beliefs), you are in trouble. Even if you would want to act differently you can’t, because your limiting beliefs are directing you.

In order to take control over your life you have to tackle limiting beliefs. They might be:

  • There’s only one true love for everyone and I’ve already met mine.
  • I have bad luck in relationships.
  • I’m not worthy of love.
  • I’m too _____ to be loved.
  • All good men (women) are already taken.
  • I have nothing to offer.
  • There must be something wrong with me.
  • It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

And many more.

Do you have some of these limiting beliefs? Do you have others? What are they?

 

Unpleasant emotions

How are you feeling if you are certain your ship has sailed?

Scared?

Lonely?

Discouraged?

Hopeless?

How are you feeling if you think you are too old to find a meaningful relationship?

Sad?

Powerless?

Less than?

Ugly?

Ashamed?

What else?

Limiting beliefs are leading you to feel all these and many more unpleasant emotions. In time you become grumpy old hag who is moaning and groaning all the time. You are radiating unpleasant emotions all around you. Do you think this is attractive? Think again!

Just recently I read a blog post where the author was complaining men don’t look at her on the street anymore, because she is 42. At the same time she was grumbling she feels like she doesn’t live up to men’s expectations, she is ashamed and humiliated, she feels “less than”, she is fearful people will pity her and so on.

My beautiful reader, be honest. Would you look at yourself on the street if you would feel like she’s feeling? Of course not!

Do you know what unpleasant emotions do? They reinforce limiting beliefs even more. And then, because of the way you feel and act your family, friends, society and even yourself put even more pressure on you! The Singles’ Loop of Despair starts another round.

 

I have to tell you I’m not here to pamper you and let you wallow in your blue mood. There is plenty of other blogs that do just that. But that doesn’t help you to get out of a single status at all. It also pushes you deeper into the Singles’ Loop of Despair. And that is no good place to be in.

I want you to feel great about yourself regardless the circumstances and eventually to find a life partner of your dreams. Or not, whatever suits you better, as long as you feel wonderful! That is why I’ve opened a FB group Dating Tips for Savvy Singles where single women and men can find valuable information, advice, support, resources and inspiration for becoming happy, joyous singles and for taking necessary steps toward loving relationships of their dreams.

Happy singles happy relationships. Click To Tweet

 

And another thing. Happy singles value action and to become one you will be required to take a lot of it. I’m sorry to break it to you, but without action you will stay trapped in the Singles’ Loop of Despair forever.

 

So, what is your next step out of the loop and toward becoming a happy content singleton? Share it with us in the comments!

(Hint: you can join the Dating Tips for Savvy Singles! ;))

dating-tips-fb-group

11 Comments

  1. I stopped listening to comments about my being single a while ago. I think ppl genuinely care but their approach, frankly it sucks. I like being single and I’m while I’m okay dating, I’m not in a rush for marriage or anything else these individuals think I should have. I’m happy and that’s what matters.

    • Exactly, Kwame! Being happy is the place to be, no matter the circumstances and no matter what others think you should do or have or be. Congrats!

  2. Great post. I have goals and I’m often asking myself, “but what if I get a boyfriend?” Well, so far, that has NOT happened so I just need to press on with what I am doing and if he is meant for me, God will send him my way. Thanks for sharing!

    Courtney | thirty30courtney.com

    • Hi, Courtney! I was also asking myself that. Guess what? A boyfriend didn’t come. I didn’t allow him, because I thought he will hinder me with my goals. I had to convince myself I can find someone who will support me and my dreams. When I did that I met my partner and he offered to help me with attaining my goals himself. It’s all in our mind. Thank you for your comment.

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